Male Childbirth KitIn an effort to aid gorgeous women around the world, and to punish men as much as humanly possible with a valid reason for doing so, I have dedicated many of my man hours into the devising and development of the latest breakthrough in male child birth. We all know the common problems with the dream of male child birth, for a start it is impossible to do naturally, we lack eggs, we lack a womb, and we lack a method of actually offering the child an exit after its initial growth period. All of these problems are now a thing of the past, marvel as I walk you through my first experiment. Step 1: Making The Womb Firstly I required room for the baby to grow, the male body is rather lacking in space so I decided that I’d compromise by making miniature babies and converting the test subjects rectum into a safe growing area. The intestines were piped into to a ShitLiquefier, an especially troublesome device to design which has to break down the body’s waste material and then pass it out through the urethra rather than the anus. Retro fitting the rectum to accommodate a womb left the subject in rather bad condition so I acquired a nine month supply of anti-rejection drugs which thankfully worked a treat. On with the insertion! Step 2: Creating Life! Borrowing an egg from a healthy Chinese woman seemed to be the best bet, and the juices from her husband added in providing an appetising mixture for a miniature baby ready for insertion into the newly retro fitted womb. With assistance from the AnusExpanderClaw, the little embryo was inserted into the test subject, attaching itself nicely to the wall of the womb. Step 3: Extracting The Creation With all going well, the test subject began voicing concerns about my birthing plans. Apparently the idea of cutting through the patients back and retrieving the baby, leaving the patient very much dead was not an appealing one. In the idea of fairness, and to aid science further, I took it upon myself to develop a better method of giving birth that left the patient a little more alive. At the end of the nine month period I installed the brand new ArseCracker. The anus is expanded slightly to let this mechanical device in, and immediately after you let go it snaps open - tearing the anus open and breaking the pelvis. This leaves a wide opening for the baby to pass out of from the makeshift womb, into the awaiting nurse’s arms. Step 4: Mopping Up The test subject was passed onto the local hospital A&E department for major surgery in the early hours of the morning, and the somewhat larger than expected baby was donated to the Chinese couple for their dedication to the sciences. If you’d like to volunteer as a test subject in my experiments please get in touch. I have plans for all of you. Mwhahahaaa. |
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